My epiphany about "Funky Town"

Over the last week I've been feeling down in the dumps, ie. episode of depression. My friend Shell calls it, going to "funky town". Just hearing those words makes me think of the old 60's song, Funky Town. It makes me laugh and I automatically sing to myself, "Won't you take me to, Funky Town!" Now if that isn't a mood booster I don't know what is. Anyways, on to my epiphany about my depressive episodes...

Last night I went out to a local coffee pub to listen to the live music of some church fellows. Even though I've been feeling low the last week or so and my bed has been my closest friend I decided I couldn't miss this occasion. I arrived to an overflow of spectators and patrons alike, causing the owner of this pub to worry about getting a citation from the fire marshal. The crowd so overwhelmed me that for a while I considered leaving. I managed to cope by moving throughout the rooms methodically until I nested in a back room with some church friends for most of the remainder of the night. Slowly, and especially as more people dispersed I became more comfortable and even rowdy, dancing openly to the music playing after the show as the coffee house cleared out and talking almost aggressively to the many acquaintances and friends surrounding me. It was later while sitting semi-quietly at last at an old theater converted event center downtown, helping to set up some equipment with friends, listening to the piano being played beautifully that I came upon my epiphany. I remarked aloud to my piano playing friend that despite how I felt I had become rather rowdy over the last hour or so and wondered aloud why that was. I sat there for a moment before answering myself... Perhaps I am overcompensating for my visit to "Funky Town" by being especially giddy and extroverted tonight. I bowed my head, possibly in shame and leaned against the piano. My friend kindly placed his hand upon my back, reassuring and consoling me. I then sat up, at peace with the idea and resolved that even if I was overcompensating it was okay, at least I was trying to be happy and with friends like those surrounding me, why shouldn't I be.

Atlas Hands

Atlas Hands

Take me to the docks, there's a ship without a name there

And it is sailing to the middle of the sea

The water there is deeper than anything you've ever seen

Jump right in and swim until you're free

I will remember your face

'Cause I am still in love with that place

But when the stars are the only things we share

Will you be there?

Money came like rain to your hands while you were waiting

For that cold long promise to appear

People in the churches started singing above their hands

They say, "My God is a good God and He cares"

I will remember your face

'Cause I am still in love with that place

When the stars are the only things we share

Will you be there?

I've got a plan, I've got an atlas in my hands

I'm gonna turn when I listen to the lessons I've learned

I've got a plan, I've got an atlas in my hands

I'm gonna turn when I listen to the lessons I've learned

I Have No Need Of Fear

Challenge me. Challenge me?
Seems lately life has been challenging me, in all sorts of ways. Ways that break my soul, my heart, my will, my confidence...My Pride.
I have these periods where I feel, I see myself getting better. Stronger, more obedient, smarter about life, closer to God. These moments, prolonged and void of struggle or temptation, of disappointment.
I know that they're not an illusion. I know I've changed, other people see it too. I am more patient perhaps, I'm more comfortable being alone, not so afraid of the future, I stopped worrying about every detail of my day and where the money for my next bill will come from. I trust a little more, but... Maybe not enough.
This last week I had multiple encounters in which, I was afraid. I felt attacked, uncertain, worried. I felt betrayed and even more frightening I felt pushed past my limit of comfort and I jumped back, violently. I broke, I doubted my progress, and I doubted the trust I'd placed in people. I realized, I don't make myself as vulnerable as I'd like to think. My walls are still up, they are large, dark, worn bricks, cracked at the seams but I continue to repair then rather than tear them. I am afraid of being the me that I'm comfortable with. In each situation I change to fit my idea of the desired me. I feel guilty for that but at the same time, almost justified. My past is larger than life, it changed me and how others will forever be seen by me. So many of my friends want to push me forward, into a mold that is expected for my kind. I don't fit, not yet. I want this future molded me, I am working towards it but I can't seem to move fast enough. These friends want more than I know how to give, more than I can trust myself to give, or maybe more than I can expect them to accept and understand.
I was told that my friends, my fellow believers are supposed to be my family. I am supposed to allow them to become my family and count on them, call them when I need something, tell them when something is wrong. I understand this idea, in theory but... What is a family, really?
All my life I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and we have grown even more so recently. My family was internally destructive, snide comments and manipulation was the currency growing up. I don't know how to ask for what I need, how to ask for help and even if I did I don't think I would. There is only one person in my life who has always played the role of family in my life, no matter the circumstance or what ever else came between us, I could rely on his consistency. I fully trust him. I am being asked to create a relationship like family, now, only months after arriving here, at this point, alone. It took years to create the relationship with the one person I know will always be family, how do I begin that process again with people I barely know, at a point in my life where me and God are the only things I can consistently rely on.
I can feel the fear rearing up again, pushing me back from the gray areas.
"Do not fear, for your God is with you", the verse plays over in my head. 365 time in the Bible it is repeated, "Do not fear".
 My God is a good God.

'"For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future."' Jeremiah 29:11 My favorite verse. I need not fear for God knows the plans he has for me, and they are good. God is the one I can always trust, for eternity. His love endures, in Him, I have no need of fear.

Patiently Biding My Time

I am so used to being content in my single-hood and trust me, these feelings have nothing to do with Valentines Day being tomorrow (I've never been a fan of the holiday, regardless of if I am taken or single). Lately however I've been finding myself contemplating the idea of starting to date again. I've been single for over a year and a half now and although there were multiple times throughout this time where I did go on "dates" I never once found anyone I could be interested in having a relationship with. Maybe part of the reason I am considering obtaining a significant other now is because I've begun to give up my long term crush on the tall dark mysterious male I've mentioned before. Maybe I should find someone closer to my age...mostly I just want to be someones first choice again. I am tired of being the attractive red head sitting next to you in class that gets asked out on a date, I don't want to be with a stranger. I am also exhausted at keeping up the charade of mothering, considerate, friend and confidante that has all the perks of a friendship but all the downfalls of hearing all about the secret crush, how "I am too young for this, that, and the other, I'm just like a younger sister, I haven't experienced life yet and couldn't possibly be ready for a real relationship". Who could possibly know what I'm ready for or what matters to me more than I do, what does age have to do with being mature enough in my relationship with God. Most  likely this is all just my way of expressing that I am not willing to sit back and let my age and other's perceptions of me keep me from doing the things I want, pursuing a genuine relationship, making life choices based on my goals and desires. I don't want the petty things to  hold me back. I am capable of more than people expect or imagine. I am not ordinary, I am and historically always have been the person to break the mold and surprise those around me. I don't think the future me is much different than the present me, I did all my changing and maturing early. Earlier than expected, probably earlier than was best but I was pushed to it, by myself and by circumstance. I am now who I will always be, the only difference...one day I will not have to be content in single-hood. I will be able to put my energy into making that one person feel appreciated, I'll share my soul and be encouraged in a way that no one else on earth could ever do, I'll be more than myself but them too and we will create together another that I will love like no one I ever have or ever will again. My discontent stems from my yearning to love like that, a love that I do not yet know and have only glimpsed. God, I know has the timing worked out and  me, being who I am, an impatient and imperfect person am anxious to begin already. If one thing does change about me, I'd like to become more content with observing love rather than feeling the need to experience it. Lord, give me the ability to patiently wait for my time and in the meantime, enjoy, revel in, and be thankful for the beauty I witness and for your love. Let my heart be guarded until you see fit to give it away.

A new song I enjoy...

Fade Into You Lyrics - (Nashville Cast Version) Sam Palladio and Clare Bowen

Fade Into You

If you were the ocean and I was the sun

If the day made me heavy and gravity won

If I was the red and you were the blue

I could just fade into you

If you were a window and I was the rain

I’d pour myself out and wash off the pain

I’d fall like a tear so your light could shine through     

Then I’d just fade into you

In your heart in your head in your

arms in your bed under your skin

Til there’s no way to know where

you end and where I begin

If I was a shadow and you were a

street

The cobblestone midnight is where

we first meet

Til the lights flickered out, we

dance with the moon

Then I’d just fade into you

In your heart in your head in your

arms in your bed under your skin

Til there’s no way to know where

you end and where I begin

I wanna melt in I wanna soak through

I only wanna move when you move

I wanna breathe out when you

breathe in then I wanna fade into you

If I was just ashes and you were

the ground

And under your willow they laid me

down

There’ll be no trace that one was

once two

After I fade into you

(Ooooh….)

Then I’d just fade into you (4x)

Tuesday the Terrible

BAM! My new Facebook cover photo.  -->



Tuesday the terrible, as it shall forever be known. No, not actually. As surprising as it is, especially in the hectic life I am now living and despite the insufficient amounts of sleep I so often must make do with I have had a rather successful day.

Starting out with my 8:00 am Statistics class I immediately followed up the completion of my time in class with the addition of breakfast to my mostly empty stomach, besides the juice sloshing alone against the lining of my stomach walls. Next I treated myself to a well deserved 30 minute nap.

I awoke and trudged through the fresh powder to Psychology where I learned about the organization of the human brain and wrote many a notation to reference in future questions to be posed to the professor. I then took myself slowly up the steep slope leading to the Albertson's Building where I made use of the little known and quite neglected Career Center. I had the extremely helpful and nice woman critique my resume. It now is covered with many blue lines but all very constructive. I left with the knowledge that I am in desperate need of a Master Resume and that I overshot the assignment from my Business prof to create a working resume, apparently I need less information for this assignment. I just have so much to share! So I came away with share less and give details more. I guess I don't make apparent all my talents...

Thankfully after all that work I caught a break and went over to Jesse's apartment where she made us lunch, consisting of egg& cheese sandwiches and scrumptious salads. I then cancelled my polka choreography practice and instead spent some one on one time with myself just doing nothing, maybe it should have been a nap though.

 I ate dinner, salmon and pilaf then left for Ballroom Dance Team practice up until now. Practice is over and I am now starting my 10pm-2am shift at work. Sleep and the comfort of my pillows can't come soon enough. Goodnight, Tuesday the terrible.

Why I'm NOT Interested In Birthdays

Ten hours from now I'll be experiancing another one of those days, those days that only come once a year, a birthday. I've never understood these things, birthdays...what is the point? It's not like I did anything spectaular just by being born, the spectacular one is my Mom, she went through labor, the spectacular one is my God, he created me.



 I never felt comfortable on my birthday, sure as a kid I enjoyed it. I mean what child doesn't like a day without chores, loads of sweet things to eat, multiple gifts that no one else is getting, and extended play dates? I was the oldest child, my sister came quickly on my heels so I didn't get much time with my parents  before the other kids came along, yeah, attention was wanted back then. It wasn't until I got a little older, became more reserved and okay with it (honestly it was probably my trust issues coming out at that age, not wanting to share anything too intimate with people I didn't really know, we moved a lot growing up).
As a teen I started throwing big parties, I was making long term friends and even though I still wasn't overjoyed about all the attention on birthdays I was still going to cease the opportunity to have a party (those are always fun). I always tried to keep the day of the party away from my actual birthday, which wasn't that hard because my birthday was usually the day school started back up again, or right before it. I didn't always tell all my guests the occasion for the party but word got around, I've had my share of awkward present opennings in front of groups, with more than a few people giftless (either from forgetting or not knowing about my birthday) but I prefered it that way.

Now don't get me wrong, birthdays are a fine and dandy thing...my problem is all the social faux paus that can occur when it comes to birthdays and present giving. I like parties, I like gifts, but I don't like when someone that I don't have a personal relationship with feels the need, the expectation for gift giving. Now a gift from my mother or grandparent, even my best friend, I can handle that. Yeah, I still feel awkward at times... accepting gifts and especially opening them in front of the giver is a hard art to master. I mean how do you react? Graciously of course, but how much excitement do you let show, or reign in? What if you really don't like the gift, but you are still expected to show enthusiasm over it.

I like giving gifts though, I've been told I'm a great gift giver. I always have a difficult time finding something and after I do I always have doubts about how suited it is for the person but I tend to get genuine positive responses and the fact that the people I give gifts to are the ones who compliment me on  my ability to give good gifts doesn't hurt my credibility.

 Now that I'm about to be nineteen I feel slightly diasapointed though, as a child growing up I always made myself nineteen in our games of make believe. Why I chose that age I will never know because now that I've reached it... I'm not sure what all the excitement was about. What am I gaining from this birthday except a new number to tell nosy people who focus too much on age and the sterotypes and preconceptions that accompany that number as it relates to a life span or the gap between their own equally meaningless number and mine.

 I must sound so ungrateful to you, my reader...complaining about a day that only comes once a year... when I get free toys, people pay attention to me, feel obligated to be nice, and sing an obnoxious song off-key, besides shouldn't all the sugar make up for any awkwardness? It's a party afterall, a celebration of another year, passed by in apathy, most of it never remembered.

 Please don't get me wrong, I am so grateful for my life, the people in it that care for me and, I them in return, I'm especially thankful for my growth in Christ. I think that is the real reason to celebrate another year passing, a birthday.
Celebrate the fact that you were born, not because you did anything special but because on that day a miracle occured, God created life, the only being that can do so, cause trust me, parents don't create life. They just throw together the ingredients and provide the place for it to happen in.
Parents do a lot, like raising children, acting selflessly in order to provide for their children, taking responsibilty for a life besides their own, but they don't create life, they usher it into the world.

Birthdays should be an acknowledgement of God's power and love. Hmm...maybe birthdays don't have to be that bad afterall.

Now to get rid of the song and awkward presents...