My Testimony of Faith

I've grown up in a Christian family all my life. I've gone to just about every christian denomination of church out there. Looking in on my life, not knowing me personally you'd assume I've had it pretty easy. My grandparents are part-time traveling missionaries, my grandma has three christian CDs, every one of my siblings are christian, both sides of my family. We're a big happy family. Right?  Wrong.
 It's sort of like what Lecrae said recently on facebook, "Just because you were raised to believe, doesn't mean you believe Jesus was raised."

Growing up, (and by that I mean back when I was 2,3,4) I never really noticed anything wrong with my life. Looking back I start to see the signs that something was wrong.

As a little kid I had a major problem with picking my scabs. My grandma used to tell me, " If you don't stop picking I'm gonna put cayanne pepper on it! Then it'll burn." Well, I quit that habit rather quickly.

Then one day when I was around 11 or 12 I pulled out all my eyelashes, on both eyes. I was just ing the bathroom with the tweezers and I decided there was something wrong with my eyelashes. They didn't make a straight line! So I tried to fix it. BIG Mistake.
 Later that year, I was sitting on the couch, playing with my hair. I have very thick, coarse, wavy red hair. I started pulling out the really rough hairs, they just didn't feel smooth enough. When I got up to go to the bathroom I saw I had made a small bald spot, a bit smaller than a quarter in my hair near my forehead.

 All these little ticks eventually built up.
 I started cutting when I was 13. The winter of my freshman year of high school I went to a Winter Retreat with my youth group. There I met Shawn E. He was a big source of guidance and help for me. He noticed how depressed I was within the first day of meeting me and we quickly became friends and I began confiding in him. I still am friends with Shawn and see him at church with his New Wife every week!

That spring some friends of mine informed my parents of my dangerous habits and my mother was ready to put me in a psychiatric hospital for the summer.  I was able to convince her to just send me to my grandparents for the summer instead. I was there for two months. While there my grandpa pounded sense into me by sharing the Bible story of Jezebel, a priestess of Baal who cut herself in worship to him, for those of you who don't know. Baal is basically Satan. Sufice to say that freaked me out and I resolved to stop cutting.  In August I went on a youth group trip to Corvallis, Oregon for CIY(Christ in Youth) Conference. There I basically spilled my guts to my youth group one night during devotionals. Everyone was really supportive, especially one friend. Daniel B. He shared with me a story of another girl he was close to who cut, he encouraged me to quit and put my trust in God to take away my stress, worry, and fear. He gave me a picture and wrote some inspiring lines on it. Telling me to trust God,  he loved me and was there for me, and so was Daniel. That picture hangs in my room to this day.

It was a difficult journey. Starting my sophomore year I had a 3 month bout of bulimia but luckily I can't stand the taste of bile so that didn't last long. I made bad choices, like dating someone I didn't like and continuing the relationship, out of fear even after I learned he was a drug dealer.

 During the next year I realised you can stop cutting but you're never not a cutter after you you've started. Each day is a battle. Sometimes I failed and would give in to my sin, because that's what it is. Cutting is a sin. Just like lying, adultry, and hypocrisy.

I am happy to say it's been at least 8 months since I last turned from God and tried to gain control by cutting. Today I feel closer to God than ever. My prayer life has grown dramatically, from the girl who never prayed in public and rarely alone to praying at dinner, at youth group for my girl's Impact group, with my mentor, when I'm afraid, worried, panicing, happy, sad, thankful! Even in Launch Pad and in class at school! I actually study and read my Bible and not just at church but for Fun! I actually enjoy the stories and lessons I recieve from time spent in my Bible! I know more about God and who he is! My worship of him has exploded. I used to be afraid to lift my hands in praise while singing, Now I reach for HIM! When I sing I enter another place entirely, just me and God. Now I'm not perfect in my relationship with Christ but I'm learning. Recently I even made the decision to get Babtised! For the first time in my life I realized, I don't have to know everything about Him, I just have to trust Him. DESPITE my broken family, my cutting, pride, trust issues, need for control, perfectionism, fear and worry(even worrying about being hurt by my Dad), lying, lust, MY SIN, God LOVES me, yeah me!? Weird, right? But he does and with faith in Him to have my best interest in mind I can have peace and a beautiful relationship with my Savior.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you, and not to harm you. Plans to give you a Hope and a Future." Isn't that exciting! God knows what he is doing and he is going to use the hardships that sin brings into my life for HIS Glory!

Even though I've grown up in a Christian home, giving my life to God at age 2, I haven't always acted like one. I don't always follow Christ's plan, I let sin rule. Now I am a Christ-Follower and I know what is required of me and I'm ready to follow His plan.