I Have No Need Of Fear

Challenge me. Challenge me?
Seems lately life has been challenging me, in all sorts of ways. Ways that break my soul, my heart, my will, my confidence...My Pride.
I have these periods where I feel, I see myself getting better. Stronger, more obedient, smarter about life, closer to God. These moments, prolonged and void of struggle or temptation, of disappointment.
I know that they're not an illusion. I know I've changed, other people see it too. I am more patient perhaps, I'm more comfortable being alone, not so afraid of the future, I stopped worrying about every detail of my day and where the money for my next bill will come from. I trust a little more, but... Maybe not enough.
This last week I had multiple encounters in which, I was afraid. I felt attacked, uncertain, worried. I felt betrayed and even more frightening I felt pushed past my limit of comfort and I jumped back, violently. I broke, I doubted my progress, and I doubted the trust I'd placed in people. I realized, I don't make myself as vulnerable as I'd like to think. My walls are still up, they are large, dark, worn bricks, cracked at the seams but I continue to repair then rather than tear them. I am afraid of being the me that I'm comfortable with. In each situation I change to fit my idea of the desired me. I feel guilty for that but at the same time, almost justified. My past is larger than life, it changed me and how others will forever be seen by me. So many of my friends want to push me forward, into a mold that is expected for my kind. I don't fit, not yet. I want this future molded me, I am working towards it but I can't seem to move fast enough. These friends want more than I know how to give, more than I can trust myself to give, or maybe more than I can expect them to accept and understand.
I was told that my friends, my fellow believers are supposed to be my family. I am supposed to allow them to become my family and count on them, call them when I need something, tell them when something is wrong. I understand this idea, in theory but... What is a family, really?
All my life I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and we have grown even more so recently. My family was internally destructive, snide comments and manipulation was the currency growing up. I don't know how to ask for what I need, how to ask for help and even if I did I don't think I would. There is only one person in my life who has always played the role of family in my life, no matter the circumstance or what ever else came between us, I could rely on his consistency. I fully trust him. I am being asked to create a relationship like family, now, only months after arriving here, at this point, alone. It took years to create the relationship with the one person I know will always be family, how do I begin that process again with people I barely know, at a point in my life where me and God are the only things I can consistently rely on.
I can feel the fear rearing up again, pushing me back from the gray areas.
"Do not fear, for your God is with you", the verse plays over in my head. 365 time in the Bible it is repeated, "Do not fear".
 My God is a good God.

'"For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future."' Jeremiah 29:11 My favorite verse. I need not fear for God knows the plans he has for me, and they are good. God is the one I can always trust, for eternity. His love endures, in Him, I have no need of fear.