Giving it All Up to Him

Last night at Village a wonderful woman that I am growing to treasure the company of more and more everyday decided to pray the prayer and give her life, give "it all up" to Him, our Lord. I was so blessed to be able to be there with her as she said those words, "God I give it all up to you." Her prayer was beauty itself and I found myself despite my best efforts in tears, mascara running down my cheeks, just filled to bursting with joy! I was so incredibly blessed to be able to not only witness the miracle and ecstatic joy involved when someone commits themselves to Christ but to be able to pray after her afterwards, to be a witness to her exclamation of joy for the Creator, that was the biggest blessing. I wanted to run up and down the streets screaming to the world, shouting, "She belongs to the King! She is Saved!" I am so incredibly proud and happy for her.

 Giving up control, leaning on faith is never easy, but she chose to believe in what she can't see, believe in truth and in her own words, "I felt him with me for the first time."

She is searching no more, she has found "the One"!

Sharing the Feeling. Embracing Contentment.

Just wanted to share this beautiful and rockin' song a new-found friend of mine wrote:

Whisky Girl - Bart Budwig

It's enjoyable, has an upbeat Americana/Folk mix sound accompanying some beautiful lyrics.

My epiphany about "Funky Town"

Over the last week I've been feeling down in the dumps, ie. episode of depression. My friend Shell calls it, going to "funky town". Just hearing those words makes me think of the old 60's song, Funky Town. It makes me laugh and I automatically sing to myself, "Won't you take me to, Funky Town!" Now if that isn't a mood booster I don't know what is. Anyways, on to my epiphany about my depressive episodes...

Last night I went out to a local coffee pub to listen to the live music of some church fellows. Even though I've been feeling low the last week or so and my bed has been my closest friend I decided I couldn't miss this occasion. I arrived to an overflow of spectators and patrons alike, causing the owner of this pub to worry about getting a citation from the fire marshal. The crowd so overwhelmed me that for a while I considered leaving. I managed to cope by moving throughout the rooms methodically until I nested in a back room with some church friends for most of the remainder of the night. Slowly, and especially as more people dispersed I became more comfortable and even rowdy, dancing openly to the music playing after the show as the coffee house cleared out and talking almost aggressively to the many acquaintances and friends surrounding me. It was later while sitting semi-quietly at last at an old theater converted event center downtown, helping to set up some equipment with friends, listening to the piano being played beautifully that I came upon my epiphany. I remarked aloud to my piano playing friend that despite how I felt I had become rather rowdy over the last hour or so and wondered aloud why that was. I sat there for a moment before answering myself... Perhaps I am overcompensating for my visit to "Funky Town" by being especially giddy and extroverted tonight. I bowed my head, possibly in shame and leaned against the piano. My friend kindly placed his hand upon my back, reassuring and consoling me. I then sat up, at peace with the idea and resolved that even if I was overcompensating it was okay, at least I was trying to be happy and with friends like those surrounding me, why shouldn't I be.

Atlas Hands

Atlas Hands

Take me to the docks, there's a ship without a name there

And it is sailing to the middle of the sea

The water there is deeper than anything you've ever seen

Jump right in and swim until you're free

I will remember your face

'Cause I am still in love with that place

But when the stars are the only things we share

Will you be there?

Money came like rain to your hands while you were waiting

For that cold long promise to appear

People in the churches started singing above their hands

They say, "My God is a good God and He cares"

I will remember your face

'Cause I am still in love with that place

When the stars are the only things we share

Will you be there?

I've got a plan, I've got an atlas in my hands

I'm gonna turn when I listen to the lessons I've learned

I've got a plan, I've got an atlas in my hands

I'm gonna turn when I listen to the lessons I've learned

I Have No Need Of Fear

Challenge me. Challenge me?
Seems lately life has been challenging me, in all sorts of ways. Ways that break my soul, my heart, my will, my confidence...My Pride.
I have these periods where I feel, I see myself getting better. Stronger, more obedient, smarter about life, closer to God. These moments, prolonged and void of struggle or temptation, of disappointment.
I know that they're not an illusion. I know I've changed, other people see it too. I am more patient perhaps, I'm more comfortable being alone, not so afraid of the future, I stopped worrying about every detail of my day and where the money for my next bill will come from. I trust a little more, but... Maybe not enough.
This last week I had multiple encounters in which, I was afraid. I felt attacked, uncertain, worried. I felt betrayed and even more frightening I felt pushed past my limit of comfort and I jumped back, violently. I broke, I doubted my progress, and I doubted the trust I'd placed in people. I realized, I don't make myself as vulnerable as I'd like to think. My walls are still up, they are large, dark, worn bricks, cracked at the seams but I continue to repair then rather than tear them. I am afraid of being the me that I'm comfortable with. In each situation I change to fit my idea of the desired me. I feel guilty for that but at the same time, almost justified. My past is larger than life, it changed me and how others will forever be seen by me. So many of my friends want to push me forward, into a mold that is expected for my kind. I don't fit, not yet. I want this future molded me, I am working towards it but I can't seem to move fast enough. These friends want more than I know how to give, more than I can trust myself to give, or maybe more than I can expect them to accept and understand.
I was told that my friends, my fellow believers are supposed to be my family. I am supposed to allow them to become my family and count on them, call them when I need something, tell them when something is wrong. I understand this idea, in theory but... What is a family, really?
All my life I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and we have grown even more so recently. My family was internally destructive, snide comments and manipulation was the currency growing up. I don't know how to ask for what I need, how to ask for help and even if I did I don't think I would. There is only one person in my life who has always played the role of family in my life, no matter the circumstance or what ever else came between us, I could rely on his consistency. I fully trust him. I am being asked to create a relationship like family, now, only months after arriving here, at this point, alone. It took years to create the relationship with the one person I know will always be family, how do I begin that process again with people I barely know, at a point in my life where me and God are the only things I can consistently rely on.
I can feel the fear rearing up again, pushing me back from the gray areas.
"Do not fear, for your God is with you", the verse plays over in my head. 365 time in the Bible it is repeated, "Do not fear".
 My God is a good God.

'"For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future."' Jeremiah 29:11 My favorite verse. I need not fear for God knows the plans he has for me, and they are good. God is the one I can always trust, for eternity. His love endures, in Him, I have no need of fear.

Patiently Biding My Time

I am so used to being content in my single-hood and trust me, these feelings have nothing to do with Valentines Day being tomorrow (I've never been a fan of the holiday, regardless of if I am taken or single). Lately however I've been finding myself contemplating the idea of starting to date again. I've been single for over a year and a half now and although there were multiple times throughout this time where I did go on "dates" I never once found anyone I could be interested in having a relationship with. Maybe part of the reason I am considering obtaining a significant other now is because I've begun to give up my long term crush on the tall dark mysterious male I've mentioned before. Maybe I should find someone closer to my age...mostly I just want to be someones first choice again. I am tired of being the attractive red head sitting next to you in class that gets asked out on a date, I don't want to be with a stranger. I am also exhausted at keeping up the charade of mothering, considerate, friend and confidante that has all the perks of a friendship but all the downfalls of hearing all about the secret crush, how "I am too young for this, that, and the other, I'm just like a younger sister, I haven't experienced life yet and couldn't possibly be ready for a real relationship". Who could possibly know what I'm ready for or what matters to me more than I do, what does age have to do with being mature enough in my relationship with God. Most  likely this is all just my way of expressing that I am not willing to sit back and let my age and other's perceptions of me keep me from doing the things I want, pursuing a genuine relationship, making life choices based on my goals and desires. I don't want the petty things to  hold me back. I am capable of more than people expect or imagine. I am not ordinary, I am and historically always have been the person to break the mold and surprise those around me. I don't think the future me is much different than the present me, I did all my changing and maturing early. Earlier than expected, probably earlier than was best but I was pushed to it, by myself and by circumstance. I am now who I will always be, the only difference...one day I will not have to be content in single-hood. I will be able to put my energy into making that one person feel appreciated, I'll share my soul and be encouraged in a way that no one else on earth could ever do, I'll be more than myself but them too and we will create together another that I will love like no one I ever have or ever will again. My discontent stems from my yearning to love like that, a love that I do not yet know and have only glimpsed. God, I know has the timing worked out and  me, being who I am, an impatient and imperfect person am anxious to begin already. If one thing does change about me, I'd like to become more content with observing love rather than feeling the need to experience it. Lord, give me the ability to patiently wait for my time and in the meantime, enjoy, revel in, and be thankful for the beauty I witness and for your love. Let my heart be guarded until you see fit to give it away.

A new song I enjoy...

Fade Into You Lyrics - (Nashville Cast Version) Sam Palladio and Clare Bowen

Fade Into You

If you were the ocean and I was the sun

If the day made me heavy and gravity won

If I was the red and you were the blue

I could just fade into you

If you were a window and I was the rain

I’d pour myself out and wash off the pain

I’d fall like a tear so your light could shine through     

Then I’d just fade into you

In your heart in your head in your

arms in your bed under your skin

Til there’s no way to know where

you end and where I begin

If I was a shadow and you were a

street

The cobblestone midnight is where

we first meet

Til the lights flickered out, we

dance with the moon

Then I’d just fade into you

In your heart in your head in your

arms in your bed under your skin

Til there’s no way to know where

you end and where I begin

I wanna melt in I wanna soak through

I only wanna move when you move

I wanna breathe out when you

breathe in then I wanna fade into you

If I was just ashes and you were

the ground

And under your willow they laid me

down

There’ll be no trace that one was

once two

After I fade into you

(Ooooh….)

Then I’d just fade into you (4x)